20 Random Facts about me!

1. I am scared to live life.
2. I am terrified of drowning... Mentally and physically.
3. I am at a crossroads in my life.
4. My favorite color is blue.
5. My favorite thing to do is read.
6. I love to write.
7. I love listening to gospel and country music.
8. I love snuggling and kissing.
9. I hide behind my weight.
10. I love cats.
11. My current situation is scary.
12. I don't trust myself.
13. I give up on me too easily.
14. I don't laugh nearly enough.
15. I give way too much of myself.
16. I allow people to hurt me.
17. I don't stand strong in my faith.
18. I love long afternoon naps.
19. I love cold weather.
20. I WILL LOVE ME!

Grace...

Define Grace: in the dictionary,(google) grace was defined as poise, elegance, forgiveness, or a blessing. To me it is closer to the last two that I think about when I think about Grace. Forgiveness: I can usually forgive pretty easily, no matter what the circumstance. However there is one person that I have trouble forgiving. MYSELF. I can forgive friends for walking away when I felt I needed them most. I can forgive them when they give me ultimatums. I can forgive family when from when they turned their backs on me. I can forgive a multitude of sins from a man who proclaims to love me. But I just dont have the forgiveness in my heart for myself for allowing it to happen. Especially when I let it happen repeatedly. I have tried convincing myself that I was the reason for the heartache. My mom always told me that if a woman kept her man happy at home he would have no reason to stray. So in my mind over the last 8 months and 16 days, I have been trying to figure out what it was that I wasn't doing right. Why couldnt I make him happy? Why was he always looking for something new? I am learning that while yes I had my faults, it didnt matter what I had done. It would never be enough. No matter how much I wanted to be his forever, he had other things in mind. I am learning that no matter how hard I tried to fix it... It just couldn't be fixed. So in the end, I am now having to forgive myself for pushing so hard and failing. But if we don't fail we will never learn how to climb. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. I seem to be good at failing in life. But everyday is a new day and it will only get better if I work on it and quit making excuses. Today I forgive me. Blessing: I am a firm believer that people are put into your life for a reason. They can be either a blessing or lesson. I would like to say the majority of the people that have crossed my path have been a combination of both.I just wish I could remember to hold on to the lessons. I seem to remember after the situation has past. I am so very grateful that God doesnt give up on us just because we didnt learn our lesson. I am thankful for his sustained Grace. I am blessed because it doesnt matter how long I have been gone or how far I strayed, He is always there with open arms and Amazing Grace. When my heart is overwhelmed, Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

Pretending!

I read a post by Mauria Dillard this morning that said Just believe in yourself, and even if you dont PRETEND that you do and at some point you will! That post spoke volumes to me. Fake it till you mean it..RIGHT? My biggest question is when did I stop believing in me. When did I become so uninterested in me. When did I cease to matter. My life has been far from perfect, I have made many mistakes. I have loved the wrong people, trusted the wrong people, and allowed myself to make the wrong decisions. No ones fault but my own. I read somewhere yesterday that the first time you make a mistake it is just that A MISTAKE. But if you continue to make that same "mistake" is it really a mistake anymore or is it a choice. I have thought about that a lot. I truly believe it becomes a choice. I will be the first to admit that I have allowed myself to become a choice, an option so to speak. I completely lost my way. Friends have asked me what would I say to my daughters if they were making the same decisions as me.When I think about that, I truly want to curl in a ball and cry at the thought of my girls hearts hurting like this. I have a really good friend who keeps telling me that I need to place it ALL in God's hands and leave it there. So today that is what I am doing I am surrendering it all to HIM. I give it all to you Lord. I cant handle any of this without you. I lay it all at your feet. Now I ask that you help me to leave it there. That I would know your ways Lord, that I would walk in your path. Teach me to hold my head up and be proud of the child that you have made me. To lift my voice in praise for you. I ask that you bless my life in ways unimaginable. Lord, forgive me. I give you all my pain and shame. I will follow you Lord. PLease help me to remember that your plans are so much better than my dreams. Thank you Lord for your blessings and your peace that seems to have covered me in the last few minutes. Thank you for putting people in my path that lead me back to you. To remind me that you are right where I left you. You didnt leave me. Today I will start learning to believe in myself and who I am and trusting that you are going to make me who I should be. Today I am just going to Breathe and relax in you Lord. In Isaiah 43:2 you said, "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." I now believe that because all the times in the last few months I have felt like I was drowning, I never did. You kept my head just above water and I am trusting you do that again Lord. I know there are going to be dark days ahead when I will feel like just finding a corner and hiding there but I am trusting you to be my light in that darkness. I am trusting myself to believe. Today I am going to stop pretending to be ok. I am going to really BE ok. Put one foot in front of the other and hold my head up. I am thriving, not just surviving. I never thought that I would ever be healthy. I am so very thankful that Amanda Hughes introduced me to Thrive and that she never gave up on me. Thank you Lord for people that believe in me even when I havent believed in myself. I am going to be ok. I am ok. Today is the day that My Lord has made and I am going to rejoice and be glad in it. Have a blessed Wednesday!!!!

Excuses

Excuses, Excuses I hear them every day. I used to love to sing that song to my mom when she wouldnt give me what I wanted. Now I can kinda understand why she didnt. This was supposed to be "Motivational Monday" and I got up and got motivated this morning. My day went like this.... Got up, got dressed, made my bed, started laundry, took my thrive, went for a walk, drank my shake, ate breakfast, showered, put my DFT on, put in some applications, did some things online, went by the doctors office, faxed a resume and came back home, ate lunch, cleaned up from lunch, cleaned up the living room and moved some stuff around, cooked supper, watched a movie and now this. I know boring!!!! But it was what it was. But today I was stronger than my excuses. The first one being I had planned to get up at 6 and be out the door by 6:15. I woke up at 7:30. Oh its already going to be hot outside. I AM GOING ANYWAY. But i should be doing something else by now. I AM GOING ANYWAY! Just because a wrench gets thrown into the mix doesnt mean that you get to make an excuse to not take care of you. For as long as I can remember I have always made time for everyone else and what they needed but never really taking care of me. I have made sure everyone else made it to the Doctor, but not me. Made sure everyone else had food to eat whether I had my fill or not. I have always made the excuse that as long as everyone else that I loved was taken care of that I would be fine. But it has truly cost me. I havent taken care of myself. I didnt eat properly, I didnt exercise properly, I didnt sleep properly. I wore myself out to the point I started letting everyone down. But the biggest letdown was to myself. I have lost friends, I have pushed my family aside, I have always had EXCUSES! What good were those excuses? They sure didnt do me any good. As a matter of fact those excuses have cost me myself. I have been trying for months to figure out just when I started not to matter to myself. When I let myself go, didnt care about how I looked, or what I ate, or what didnt get done. I just feel like I didnt care about anything that I used to love. My hobbies, my passions, my goals, my dreams. I had made excuses for as long as I can remember. Where has it gotten me? I was once told just a few weeks ago that I was putting all my eggs in the wrong basket and that I was going to end up alone. Well here I am, sitting in my apartment, ALONE! Somehow I finally feel like that is ok. NO MORE EXCUSES not to focus on ME! NO more excuses to not get healthy! NO more excuses not to exercise. NO more excuses not to JUST BREATHE! Everyday is a new beginning and who cares if everything didnt get done today, it will still be here tomorrow, and if it isnt then I guess that it just wasnt meant to be. I will only fail when I stop trying, and I refuse to sink. Today I was STRONGER than my strongest excuse. Every day brings a little more clarity, a little more truth and a little piece of me is stronger than the day before. I am ENOUGH for me!

Should I be afraid to fail...

I am truly struggling with this thought. It has consumed me for the last few months.... What happens if I try and I fail. Then what?But what happens if I dont. I had an amazing friend point this out to me today. That she wishes I could see myself the way she sees me. I have often thought those same words about her. My biggest fear is that I try my hardest and I am still not good enough and that one day the people I love will see me the way I have always seen myself.... as not being good enough. Then what? I keep telling myself that it truly doesnt matter. It doesnt matter what other people think of me, if only I could make myself believe that, then maybe I would be ok. But what happens if I dont even try. IF I just settle for where I am and what I have and take what I can get. How is that living? How is that a life? How is that Happy.... IT IS NOT! So what do i do about it I ask myself. Should I be afraid to fail or even more afraid to try. If I fail it cant get any worse than it already is right? I have let myself be put to the side and walked over for as long as i can remember in hopes that one day someone would notice and want to be happy with me...but how can someone be happy with me when I am not even happy with myself. I dont want to look in the mirror, i dont even want to get out of bed half of the time. I would rather sleep than face reality. The reality of being alone. Of not being in a relationship. The reality of making myself eat, making myself take care of me. I have never really done that. I have always taken care of someone else. My whole life. I have felt mostly unwanted. My biological mother didnt even want me why should anyone else. But what I should be focusing on is that my parents did. They took me when I was being thrown away. They sacrificed for the next 17 years to make sure I wanted for nothing... They loved me how every child every born should be loved, completely unconditional and even when I didnt deserve their love they STILL LOVED ME. I was good enough for them, why am I not good enough for me. Today I have really done some soul searching. If I dont like how I look or what I am doing, who can change that... Not my friends, not my family, not anyone..... BUT ME! I know that I am doing the best I can with what I have so who cares if anyone else knows that. I know and God knows. I know that I have talents that are not being utilized... who can change that? I know that I need to lose weight? I know that I need to stay focused. I know that I need to get back on track and get things done... I know that I need to read my Bible more. I know that I need to put my faith back where it belongs IN GOD, not in man. NOBODY can change those things but me. God never leaves us... we leave him and HE is always waiting right there to pick us back up and wrap his arms around us and let us know that everything will be ok. So over the next few days, weeks, months, heck maybe even years, this blog will focus on a lot of things... from what I am doing today to some food I cooked that I am proud or not so proud of to my downfalls in life and in Christ. To Him forgiving me and me forgiving myself. I dont just want to survive in this life I want to THRIVE!I want people to look at me and see Christ working thru me to make a difference in my life as well as the life of others. I want my daughters to not be ashamed to say that is my mom isnt she amazing. I want my grandchildren to say That is my Ganma and she helps people. I want my daughters to be able to say I want to be just like my mom. I have been blessed in this life with people who care about me.... I need to be a blessing. Life is way to short to be allowing it just to pass you by. So with all that being said... I refuse not to try.... Today I am going to try to get a few things on my list done. Try to go to bed at a decent time and get up tomorrow and be thankful for the day that God has given me. Today, I am going to make dinner and finish my laundry and sweep and mop my kitchen because those were the things that were IMPORTANT TO ME to get done today. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.... It is my story and I now hold the pen......

Where....

Lately I have been asking myself, Where do I go from here? The answer to that question is that I honestly had no idea. I have asked it a million times if I have asked it once in the last few months. I have been thru battles with depression and suicidal thoughts. I felt like my world was turning upside down. It is crazy to think that you have the whole world in front of you and then within a matter of seconds have it all disappear. Everything that you have worked for, everything that you have built your life around. But that is EXACTLY what happened to me on November 14, 2014. If you know me then you know this story, however if you don't know me I am not going to go into details. It is the past and I would truly like for that part of my past to stay just that. However in the months since that date I have questioned and re-questioned my every thought, my every move. Second guessing doesn't even begin to cut it more like fifth and sixth guessing every single thought. Where am I supposed to go from here? How am I supposed to get there? I have some very much appreciated encouraging friends and people that have had my back much longer than they should have had to. I have applied for job after job and jobs after that. So far only 1 interview. So then comes the question well how am I supposed to pick myself up off the ground and survive? How am I supposed to support my daughter? With those thoughts come more thoughts and questions that I dont have the answers for. There are a few things that I am looking into and hoping that God will give me the resources to THRIVE not just survive. I got my office space set up in my bedroom of my apartment and now it is time to create my future...because after all the best way to predict your future is to create it. Goodnight...