Should I be afraid to fail...

I am truly struggling with this thought. It has consumed me for the last few months.... What happens if I try and I fail. Then what?But what happens if I dont. I had an amazing friend point this out to me today. That she wishes I could see myself the way she sees me. I have often thought those same words about her. My biggest fear is that I try my hardest and I am still not good enough and that one day the people I love will see me the way I have always seen myself.... as not being good enough. Then what? I keep telling myself that it truly doesnt matter. It doesnt matter what other people think of me, if only I could make myself believe that, then maybe I would be ok. But what happens if I dont even try. IF I just settle for where I am and what I have and take what I can get. How is that living? How is that a life? How is that Happy.... IT IS NOT! So what do i do about it I ask myself. Should I be afraid to fail or even more afraid to try. If I fail it cant get any worse than it already is right? I have let myself be put to the side and walked over for as long as i can remember in hopes that one day someone would notice and want to be happy with me...but how can someone be happy with me when I am not even happy with myself. I dont want to look in the mirror, i dont even want to get out of bed half of the time. I would rather sleep than face reality. The reality of being alone. Of not being in a relationship. The reality of making myself eat, making myself take care of me. I have never really done that. I have always taken care of someone else. My whole life. I have felt mostly unwanted. My biological mother didnt even want me why should anyone else. But what I should be focusing on is that my parents did. They took me when I was being thrown away. They sacrificed for the next 17 years to make sure I wanted for nothing... They loved me how every child every born should be loved, completely unconditional and even when I didnt deserve their love they STILL LOVED ME. I was good enough for them, why am I not good enough for me. Today I have really done some soul searching. If I dont like how I look or what I am doing, who can change that... Not my friends, not my family, not anyone..... BUT ME! I know that I am doing the best I can with what I have so who cares if anyone else knows that. I know and God knows. I know that I have talents that are not being utilized... who can change that? I know that I need to lose weight? I know that I need to stay focused. I know that I need to get back on track and get things done... I know that I need to read my Bible more. I know that I need to put my faith back where it belongs IN GOD, not in man. NOBODY can change those things but me. God never leaves us... we leave him and HE is always waiting right there to pick us back up and wrap his arms around us and let us know that everything will be ok. So over the next few days, weeks, months, heck maybe even years, this blog will focus on a lot of things... from what I am doing today to some food I cooked that I am proud or not so proud of to my downfalls in life and in Christ. To Him forgiving me and me forgiving myself. I dont just want to survive in this life I want to THRIVE!I want people to look at me and see Christ working thru me to make a difference in my life as well as the life of others. I want my daughters to not be ashamed to say that is my mom isnt she amazing. I want my grandchildren to say That is my Ganma and she helps people. I want my daughters to be able to say I want to be just like my mom. I have been blessed in this life with people who care about me.... I need to be a blessing. Life is way to short to be allowing it just to pass you by. So with all that being said... I refuse not to try.... Today I am going to try to get a few things on my list done. Try to go to bed at a decent time and get up tomorrow and be thankful for the day that God has given me. Today, I am going to make dinner and finish my laundry and sweep and mop my kitchen because those were the things that were IMPORTANT TO ME to get done today. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.... It is my story and I now hold the pen......

Where....

Lately I have been asking myself, Where do I go from here? The answer to that question is that I honestly had no idea. I have asked it a million times if I have asked it once in the last few months. I have been thru battles with depression and suicidal thoughts. I felt like my world was turning upside down. It is crazy to think that you have the whole world in front of you and then within a matter of seconds have it all disappear. Everything that you have worked for, everything that you have built your life around. But that is EXACTLY what happened to me on November 14, 2014. If you know me then you know this story, however if you don't know me I am not going to go into details. It is the past and I would truly like for that part of my past to stay just that. However in the months since that date I have questioned and re-questioned my every thought, my every move. Second guessing doesn't even begin to cut it more like fifth and sixth guessing every single thought. Where am I supposed to go from here? How am I supposed to get there? I have some very much appreciated encouraging friends and people that have had my back much longer than they should have had to. I have applied for job after job and jobs after that. So far only 1 interview. So then comes the question well how am I supposed to pick myself up off the ground and survive? How am I supposed to support my daughter? With those thoughts come more thoughts and questions that I dont have the answers for. There are a few things that I am looking into and hoping that God will give me the resources to THRIVE not just survive. I got my office space set up in my bedroom of my apartment and now it is time to create my future...because after all the best way to predict your future is to create it. Goodnight...