Grace...

Define Grace: in the dictionary,(google) grace was defined as poise, elegance, forgiveness, or a blessing. To me it is closer to the last two that I think about when I think about Grace. Forgiveness: I can usually forgive pretty easily, no matter what the circumstance. However there is one person that I have trouble forgiving. MYSELF. I can forgive friends for walking away when I felt I needed them most. I can forgive them when they give me ultimatums. I can forgive family when from when they turned their backs on me. I can forgive a multitude of sins from a man who proclaims to love me. But I just dont have the forgiveness in my heart for myself for allowing it to happen. Especially when I let it happen repeatedly. I have tried convincing myself that I was the reason for the heartache. My mom always told me that if a woman kept her man happy at home he would have no reason to stray. So in my mind over the last 8 months and 16 days, I have been trying to figure out what it was that I wasn't doing right. Why couldnt I make him happy? Why was he always looking for something new? I am learning that while yes I had my faults, it didnt matter what I had done. It would never be enough. No matter how much I wanted to be his forever, he had other things in mind. I am learning that no matter how hard I tried to fix it... It just couldn't be fixed. So in the end, I am now having to forgive myself for pushing so hard and failing. But if we don't fail we will never learn how to climb. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. I seem to be good at failing in life. But everyday is a new day and it will only get better if I work on it and quit making excuses. Today I forgive me. Blessing: I am a firm believer that people are put into your life for a reason. They can be either a blessing or lesson. I would like to say the majority of the people that have crossed my path have been a combination of both.I just wish I could remember to hold on to the lessons. I seem to remember after the situation has past. I am so very grateful that God doesnt give up on us just because we didnt learn our lesson. I am thankful for his sustained Grace. I am blessed because it doesnt matter how long I have been gone or how far I strayed, He is always there with open arms and Amazing Grace. When my heart is overwhelmed, Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

Pretending!

I read a post by Mauria Dillard this morning that said Just believe in yourself, and even if you dont PRETEND that you do and at some point you will! That post spoke volumes to me. Fake it till you mean it..RIGHT? My biggest question is when did I stop believing in me. When did I become so uninterested in me. When did I cease to matter. My life has been far from perfect, I have made many mistakes. I have loved the wrong people, trusted the wrong people, and allowed myself to make the wrong decisions. No ones fault but my own. I read somewhere yesterday that the first time you make a mistake it is just that A MISTAKE. But if you continue to make that same "mistake" is it really a mistake anymore or is it a choice. I have thought about that a lot. I truly believe it becomes a choice. I will be the first to admit that I have allowed myself to become a choice, an option so to speak. I completely lost my way. Friends have asked me what would I say to my daughters if they were making the same decisions as me.When I think about that, I truly want to curl in a ball and cry at the thought of my girls hearts hurting like this. I have a really good friend who keeps telling me that I need to place it ALL in God's hands and leave it there. So today that is what I am doing I am surrendering it all to HIM. I give it all to you Lord. I cant handle any of this without you. I lay it all at your feet. Now I ask that you help me to leave it there. That I would know your ways Lord, that I would walk in your path. Teach me to hold my head up and be proud of the child that you have made me. To lift my voice in praise for you. I ask that you bless my life in ways unimaginable. Lord, forgive me. I give you all my pain and shame. I will follow you Lord. PLease help me to remember that your plans are so much better than my dreams. Thank you Lord for your blessings and your peace that seems to have covered me in the last few minutes. Thank you for putting people in my path that lead me back to you. To remind me that you are right where I left you. You didnt leave me. Today I will start learning to believe in myself and who I am and trusting that you are going to make me who I should be. Today I am just going to Breathe and relax in you Lord. In Isaiah 43:2 you said, "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." I now believe that because all the times in the last few months I have felt like I was drowning, I never did. You kept my head just above water and I am trusting you do that again Lord. I know there are going to be dark days ahead when I will feel like just finding a corner and hiding there but I am trusting you to be my light in that darkness. I am trusting myself to believe. Today I am going to stop pretending to be ok. I am going to really BE ok. Put one foot in front of the other and hold my head up. I am thriving, not just surviving. I never thought that I would ever be healthy. I am so very thankful that Amanda Hughes introduced me to Thrive and that she never gave up on me. Thank you Lord for people that believe in me even when I havent believed in myself. I am going to be ok. I am ok. Today is the day that My Lord has made and I am going to rejoice and be glad in it. Have a blessed Wednesday!!!!

Excuses

Excuses, Excuses I hear them every day. I used to love to sing that song to my mom when she wouldnt give me what I wanted. Now I can kinda understand why she didnt. This was supposed to be "Motivational Monday" and I got up and got motivated this morning. My day went like this.... Got up, got dressed, made my bed, started laundry, took my thrive, went for a walk, drank my shake, ate breakfast, showered, put my DFT on, put in some applications, did some things online, went by the doctors office, faxed a resume and came back home, ate lunch, cleaned up from lunch, cleaned up the living room and moved some stuff around, cooked supper, watched a movie and now this. I know boring!!!! But it was what it was. But today I was stronger than my excuses. The first one being I had planned to get up at 6 and be out the door by 6:15. I woke up at 7:30. Oh its already going to be hot outside. I AM GOING ANYWAY. But i should be doing something else by now. I AM GOING ANYWAY! Just because a wrench gets thrown into the mix doesnt mean that you get to make an excuse to not take care of you. For as long as I can remember I have always made time for everyone else and what they needed but never really taking care of me. I have made sure everyone else made it to the Doctor, but not me. Made sure everyone else had food to eat whether I had my fill or not. I have always made the excuse that as long as everyone else that I loved was taken care of that I would be fine. But it has truly cost me. I havent taken care of myself. I didnt eat properly, I didnt exercise properly, I didnt sleep properly. I wore myself out to the point I started letting everyone down. But the biggest letdown was to myself. I have lost friends, I have pushed my family aside, I have always had EXCUSES! What good were those excuses? They sure didnt do me any good. As a matter of fact those excuses have cost me myself. I have been trying for months to figure out just when I started not to matter to myself. When I let myself go, didnt care about how I looked, or what I ate, or what didnt get done. I just feel like I didnt care about anything that I used to love. My hobbies, my passions, my goals, my dreams. I had made excuses for as long as I can remember. Where has it gotten me? I was once told just a few weeks ago that I was putting all my eggs in the wrong basket and that I was going to end up alone. Well here I am, sitting in my apartment, ALONE! Somehow I finally feel like that is ok. NO MORE EXCUSES not to focus on ME! NO more excuses to not get healthy! NO more excuses not to exercise. NO more excuses not to JUST BREATHE! Everyday is a new beginning and who cares if everything didnt get done today, it will still be here tomorrow, and if it isnt then I guess that it just wasnt meant to be. I will only fail when I stop trying, and I refuse to sink. Today I was STRONGER than my strongest excuse. Every day brings a little more clarity, a little more truth and a little piece of me is stronger than the day before. I am ENOUGH for me!