Pretending!

I read a post by Mauria Dillard this morning that said Just believe in yourself, and even if you dont PRETEND that you do and at some point you will! That post spoke volumes to me. Fake it till you mean it..RIGHT? My biggest question is when did I stop believing in me. When did I become so uninterested in me. When did I cease to matter. My life has been far from perfect, I have made many mistakes. I have loved the wrong people, trusted the wrong people, and allowed myself to make the wrong decisions. No ones fault but my own. I read somewhere yesterday that the first time you make a mistake it is just that A MISTAKE. But if you continue to make that same "mistake" is it really a mistake anymore or is it a choice. I have thought about that a lot. I truly believe it becomes a choice. I will be the first to admit that I have allowed myself to become a choice, an option so to speak. I completely lost my way. Friends have asked me what would I say to my daughters if they were making the same decisions as me.When I think about that, I truly want to curl in a ball and cry at the thought of my girls hearts hurting like this. I have a really good friend who keeps telling me that I need to place it ALL in God's hands and leave it there. So today that is what I am doing I am surrendering it all to HIM. I give it all to you Lord. I cant handle any of this without you. I lay it all at your feet. Now I ask that you help me to leave it there. That I would know your ways Lord, that I would walk in your path. Teach me to hold my head up and be proud of the child that you have made me. To lift my voice in praise for you. I ask that you bless my life in ways unimaginable. Lord, forgive me. I give you all my pain and shame. I will follow you Lord. PLease help me to remember that your plans are so much better than my dreams. Thank you Lord for your blessings and your peace that seems to have covered me in the last few minutes. Thank you for putting people in my path that lead me back to you. To remind me that you are right where I left you. You didnt leave me. Today I will start learning to believe in myself and who I am and trusting that you are going to make me who I should be. Today I am just going to Breathe and relax in you Lord. In Isaiah 43:2 you said, "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." I now believe that because all the times in the last few months I have felt like I was drowning, I never did. You kept my head just above water and I am trusting you do that again Lord. I know there are going to be dark days ahead when I will feel like just finding a corner and hiding there but I am trusting you to be my light in that darkness. I am trusting myself to believe. Today I am going to stop pretending to be ok. I am going to really BE ok. Put one foot in front of the other and hold my head up. I am thriving, not just surviving. I never thought that I would ever be healthy. I am so very thankful that Amanda Hughes introduced me to Thrive and that she never gave up on me. Thank you Lord for people that believe in me even when I havent believed in myself. I am going to be ok. I am ok. Today is the day that My Lord has made and I am going to rejoice and be glad in it. Have a blessed Wednesday!!!!